Bill Maher's New Rules for this week

October 14, 2005

All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody! New Rules! Ready?
New Rule: For Halloween, President Bush must go as either a cop or an Indian. This week, Bush dressed up like a construction worker. He's also been a biker, a Navy man, and of course, a cowboy. You know, for a guy who's anti-gay, he spends an awful lot of time dressed like the Village People.
New Rule: Boy George must now be called "Man George." Come on! You're no longer a hot British chick. You're Uncle Fester. And, by the way, over the weekend, Boy George got busted for cocaine possession. And now everyone is saying the same thing: "He had money for coke?" New Rule: Stop making those motorized scooters look so damned fun! When I see those TV commercials with old people zipping around, it makes me wish I was paralyzed with Type-2 diabetes.
MILLER: Touchy.
MAHER: New Rule: In her next movie, Charlize Theron has to be sexy again. We get it. You're a serious actress. Now how about playing a lesbian superhero named Nympho? Or that hot teacher in Florida who bangs her students?
New Rule: Stop introducing a new iPod every month. First came the original, then the Mini, then the Shuffle, now the Nano. It's so slim Kate Moss uses it to cut her cocaine. Look, Apple, I'm sure the next one will be so advanced that when you play R Kelly, it'll feel like he's peeing right on you. But I don't need that. I just need it to download the podcast of my new book! New Rules, available on iTunes, Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.
And finally, New Rule: The Christian Right must 'fess up about what they really don't like about Harriet Miers. It's not that she's a cipher who lacks experience. My God, George Bush is your president! And his qualifications for high office were his name and his solemn pledge to not over-think sh**. And it's not that you're not sure that she'll do your bidding on abortion. Does the cross around her neck have to light up for you? No, it's not that Harriet Miers' views are a mystery. It's that her genitalia are a mystery. You see, Republicans have issues with sex, or as they call it, "inserting pork." Undefined sexuality in women makes them nervous. For Harriet Miers to have reached the age of 60, no kids, never married - ooh, gosh, we can't put our finger on it, and apparently neither can she.
BROWN: Too much!
MAHER: What are you, Harriet? We need to know. We don't trust Bush anymore, so we're not going to play, "It's Pat" with you. Because there are only three possibilities if you've never married or had kids by 60. She's either an asexual figure, sort of like Clay Aiken without all the estrogen. You know, androgynous, like the way we thought about Michael Jackson back when we still liked his records. But this sort of barrenness is threatening to the Republican base because they're generally people who hate sex and are bad at it. So they fear that their own population will dwindle because there won't be enough Republicans willing to f*** each other. Harriet Miers isn't using the equipment God gave her for making babies, and that's just wrong. It's like God giving you a beautiful garden and you not strip mining it for coal. Now, possibility two is that Harriet Miers is a practicing lesbian, which is sinful if done correctly. But here's where it gets thorny, because if she's not a lesbian and she's not a virgin, well, then she must be a slut! Among social conservatives, sex is to be tolerated only as long as it's joyless and toy-less, and, most importantly, within a marriage. But we certainly can't have jezebels like Harriet Miers - think they can just use their genitals for pleasure and then waltz onto the Supreme Court! What would we tell the children? How about this? Why can't she just be somebody who likes to live alone? Not co-dependent. Single because she likes it. I hope Harriet Miers is having a rich, guilt-free sex life. You go, girl! That's what should be normal. Not Tom DeLay, whose dick gets hard when he f***s somebody out of something! As for Harriet Miers, I don't care if she's a lesbian or a virgin or a slut or a - well, yes, there is a crazy fourth possibility, which is that she's one of those, you know, chicks with dicks. But if that were true, you'd think I'd have run into her in the chat rooms by now!
All right, that's our show. I want to thank my guests: Max Cleland, Tina Brown, Larry Miller, Tom Wolfe, Richard Pennington and John Edwards. Thank you very much, folks. Have a good night.