Monday, December 25, 2006

A c2c Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas at the c2c compound. The c2c Christmas party was in full swing, George Noory was there, Art Bell and his wife, Ian Punnett was there without his wife because really he isn't married and she is just a figment of his imagination.
Suddenly the alarm goes off, someone is driving into the perimeter. They all watch the car approach on the monitor. It stops right in front of the gate and Alex Jones jumps out yelling to be let in. Art Bell is totally against letting him in, he is a wingnut, Art keeps saying, but Noory and Punnett overrule Art and he is allowed to proceed.
The car screeches to a halt at the front blast doors and out of it comes not only Alex Jones, but Jeff Rense as well.
"I told you he shouldn't be allowed in!" Said Bell.
"Maybe you were right." Said Noory.
"Who the hell is that?" Asked Ian.
Noory and Bell just rolled their eyes and ignored him.
Except for the hosts most of the other guests at the Christmas party were sent deeper into the compound for their own safety. Who knows what Jeff Rense might try? Perhaps he and Alex Jones had planned out some sort of coup.
Bell was armed to the teeth and ready for anything. "Open the door." He said, glock in hand.
Noory opened the door and in they came with Jones shouting "We must stop them!"
"Get up against the wall!" Bell shouted aiming his weapon at them.
"Stop who?" Asked Noory.
"The Illuminati!" Said Jones.
"We all know there is no Illuminati and I suggest you do as I say." Said Bell.
What happened next was too fast for anyone to recount, but using his secret ninja skills, Jeff Rense somehow disarmed Bell of all weapons.
"Now you are going to listen to us!" Said Rense.
Rense and Jones conveyed what they knew, the Illuminati had Santa's secret flight plan and they planned on destroying him and his reindeer, just as they wish to destroy all goodness on earth.
"That can't be true." Sneered Bell.
Ian's blank stare didn't betray the fear inside, but he did mumble "My God."
Noory also let out a "My God!" and then added, "We must stop them!"
"But, how?" Asked Punnett.
"We will need our science advisor for this one." Said Noory and he pushed the red button before anyone could stop him.
At a trailer in Albuquerque an alarm sounded. "Good Lord!" Shouted Richard C. Hoagland as he jumped into his hyper dimensional transporter, which only led to one place, the c2c compound, home of George Noory.
Everyone was shocked when Hoagland appeared, seemingly out of thin air, except for Noory who was use to it. Hoagland dropped by often, many was the morning Noory woke to find Hoagland next to him in the bed.
"I need another drink." Said Ian and then he popped open another chocolate milk, it was Christmas, he deserved it.
Bell flipped out after seeing Hoagland and started in on an endless screaming fit about how there is no Illuminati, no face on Mars, no 911 conspiracy, no conspiracies at all. Jones drew back his fist and was ready to knock out Bell, but Rense stopped him.
"No, we need his help." He told Jones. Then he explained how Bell was the only one who could get them into the secret base at Area 51, where the top secret craft was. The top secret craft that would intercept Santa and shoot him out of the sky, leaving nothing but a smoldering pile of ashes.
"How on earth would I get you into Area 51?" Asked Bell.
"What I am going to say now will shock everyone." Said Rense. He explained that for years the illuminati had been using mind control on Bell. Bell wasn't at all aware of it, but there was a secret tunnel from somewhere at Bell's Pahrump trailer to Area 51. Bell would have to be hypnotized to remember everything.
“His Illuminati masters have been using him for evil, but we will use him for good.” Said Rense. He turned to Hoagland and Noory, “We don’t need Hoagland.” He said.
“Impossible!” Shouted both Hoagland and Noory.
As Jones held Bell down, Rense began hypnotizing him. They found out all they needed to know.
“Now how do we get to Pahrump in time to stop it? Can we use your transporter?” Ian asked Hoagland.
“Perhaps I can modify it. It won’t be easy, but…”
Noory interrupted, “No need.” He pushed a button and a large portion of the wall slid away revealing a sleek looking craft. “That Gentlemen, is the Noory Super Eagle, version 3. It can get us Pahrump within seconds.”
“Where did that come from?” Asked Hoagland.
“The greatest scientist who has ever lived, Dr. Morgus.” Answered Noory.
Hoagland couldn’t believe Noory had just said that, he felt sick and betrayed, yet he bravely fought back the tears.
“The problem is that it will only seat the pilot, which will be me and four others, so someone has to stay behind.”
“Hoagland isn’t needed.” Said Rense, yet again.
“Are you saying that you actually believe Punnett will be of more use than me?” Asked Hoagland.
“Yes.” Said Rense.
Hoagland was speechless for the only time in anyone's memory.
After donning the special flight suits Noory provided they all climbed into the craft. They arrived at Bell’s old home, near Pahrump a few seconds later. The still hypnotized Bell lead them to the secret tunnel beneath the trailer.
Once inside they realized how large the tunnel was and found that it also contained a Ferrari, which would get them to their destination a lot more quickly than on foot.
It didn’t take them long to arrive at the end of the tunnel, it was then that Jones asked how they were going to fight off everyone who might be on the other side of the door with the few weapons they had confiscated from Bell.
“Not to worry, we have Punnett.” Said Rense. Bell placed his finger on a fingerprint reader and the door swung open.
Rense was right, Punnett knew exactly what to do and entering first he pulled out his spray bottle full of holy water, he began spraying the Illuminati and quoting the bible. The Illuminati screamed in agony, in far too much pain to move on the small group.
There it was, the super secret craft that would shoot Santa from the sky.
“There is one thing I forgot to plan and that is how to destroy the damn thing.” Said Rense.
It was then that Noory stepped forward. “I came prepared.” He said and he pulled out a strange looking weapon from beneath his shirt.
“Wow! What is that?” Asked Jones.
“Another of Morgus’ inventions, you aim it at anything made of metal, shoot and it will melt the metal into a heap of scrap.” Noory said.
“Do it! I don’t know how much longer I can hold them off!” Screamed Punnett.
Noory aimed and fired and within a few seconds the secret craft was nothing more than a melted ball of metal.
They quickly made their way out, back to Bell’s house and into the Noory Super Eagle and before they knew it were back at the c2c compound.
Rense released his hypnotic control of Bell and Bell remembering nothing that had happened returned to calling them wingnuts. They had a good laugh at that.
Then they all sat around drinking eggnog and talking.
“I wonder if that metal melting weapon was what they used on the steel girders of the WTC, to get the buildings to collapse?” Mused Jones.
“Good God!” Exclaimed Noory. “I sure hope Morgus isn’t a double agent. He was my childhood idol, surely it isn’t possible.”
Suddenly Hoagland appeared from nowhere. “I told you not to trust Morgus! Coast to coast is only big enough for one science advisor!”
“We will keep an eye on Morgus.” Said Noory and then looking Hoagland straight in the eye, he said “There is only one person I know of that could have figured out Santa’s hyper dimensional flight plan and that would have to be the person who gave that plan to the Illuminati.”
“I didn’t think you would figure that out.” Said Hoagland. “I just wanted it to be like last Christmas when we spent time together saving the world. I just wanted to be needed. I am so sorry and ashamed. I wouldn‘t even blame you if you fired me from my science advisor job, even though I am the only qualified person who could actually do it.”
Noory walked over to Hoagland and putting his arm around him, he said “Didn’t you read Worker in the Light? You know the dark side will always only end up harming those who use it. I should fire you, but I feel everyone deserves a second chance. I know I have been neglecting you, but you will have to get used to the fact that I have a lot going on, book signings, the radio show and now a TV show. Just because I don’t have time to spend with you every day now, doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about you.”
“I know. I am sorry.” Said Hoagland who was now crying.
“Just don’t let it happen again and I will try to make time for us to go out for ice cream once a week, OK?”
“That would be great.” The sniffling Hoagland said.
“What about Morgus?” Asked Jones.
“I will keep an eye on him and we may have to deal with him later, if it turns out that he is involved with the Illuminati, but since he is my childhood idol I owe him the respect that he is innocent until proven guilty.”
“I am not sure that is the best plan, but OK.” Said Jones.
Then Ian Punnett piped in “God bless us, everyone!”
They all clinked glasses and knew the true meaning of Christmas was friendship.

Meanwhile, at the Morgus underground lab, Morgus was ruing the day he gave Noory the Super Eagle 3 and metal melting gun. He had only done it thinking it would make him a shoe in for the science advisor job, but then traitor Noory gave that job to the imbecile Hoagland. He didn't get his revenge this time, but come 4th of July he and the Illuminati had some plans that would make blowing Santa out of the sky look like child's play. That thought made Morgus smile and he returned to work on his evil experiments.

To be continued?

1 comment:

Mike said...

To be continued? I don't know how you could top that. Good story, Lesley.

Happy Holidays!